Some days I really wish there was an opt-out button from this whole gender thing. I wish there was something I could wear, some way I could act, or something I could do to avoid the whole concept. Some way I could walk in the world for even just a day without being perceived as either a feminine man or a failed attempt at being a woman. I wish the me that everyone saw reflected what was really inside.
Being transfeminine and hairy is hard. Walking through the world in a skirt and a beard is exhausting. Trying to figure out if and what physical modifications would diminish my dysphoria is overwhelming.
I feel stuck. I’ve come too far to stuff it all back in a box and keep pretending to be a man. And I’ve never felt like I could become a stealth trans woman even if I wanted to. So instead I am trapped in this almost indefinable middle area that is only widely accepted in queer community.
Every night when I pick out the next days outfit there is so much that I have to think about. How will my body feel the next day? How much dysphoria will I face and which body aspect will it be this time? Does my outfit sufficiently cover the “inappropriate” parts of my body? Is this work appropriate? What meetings and VIPs will I encounter tomorrow? Will I have to go out in public beyond my own company? Will I have to walk/bus and if so how dangerous are those neighborhoods? Do I have the coat/shoes/accessories to make this work? All things I couldn’t possibly decide at 6:30 am before coffee.
So when do I get a break? When do things get easier? Will they ever?