I feel lost. Stuck in a cycle of short term thinking and unable to envision my long term future, goals, and dreams. For the last couple months I have been trapped in cycles of anxiety and depression that feel all-consuming. There are days when I feel like everything has always been terrible and will always be terrible even though I intellectually know that is not true.
There are good days too. I am surrounded by amazing and supportive friends and chosen family. And I am staying connected with my bio family and feeling loved by them. I take time for self care and I go to fun events. But mostly I have been focusing more on cultivating close friendships and relationships and insulating myself more than usual.
I’m still not sure if my anti-depressant is working. But I do know that any long term solution involves getting my mental health to a more manageable state. Particularly regarding gender. I know I am not yet where I want to be but I don’t know what next steps would feel affirming much less safe.
I want to stop focusing on the little things that need solving now and be able to see the big picture again. But how do I get there?
Finding Haven 
Ugh, that is such a tough headspace to be in – I know these feels very well. You may already know this, but in case you don’t: the inability to think about things in the long-term or see past the most immediate details is very much a symptom of depression. Which is one of those pieces of information that is both potentially helpful and potentially useless, in that it suggests that you should prioritize getting yourself to a better mental place (which you’ve already identified as a priority, so that’s great!), but doesn’t really give you any direction in terms of how to do that.
I wish I had more to offer than moral support and a reinforcement of the priorities you’ve already set. ❤
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