This has been one of those weeks where I’ve had to fight my internal impostor syndrome hard. There has been a lot of that nagging voice in my head telling me that I’m not really trans, that I’m just a pretentious dude trying to be more feminist by rejecting masculinity and wearing a dress. I’m not sure where it is coming from but I suppose I am just internalizing what I assume that people must be saying about me.
It is so exhausting being stared at EVERYWHERE I go. I know that not everyone is judging me but it sure feels like it. And there are definitely people who are. Yesterday I was walking down a busy street next to traffic and a guy in a truck was shamelessly videotaping me, probably to post in some online haters forum to make fun of me. It is really disheartening to know that there is no escape from that hypervisibility. It’s not like there is some end point where I am going to “pass” and not get stares anymore. This is my reality as long as I have energy to continue existing. Sometimes I wish that I was just a trans woman so I could shell out the thousands of dollars and be done with it.
I’m too far out of the closet now to go back and forward just means more of this never ending public gaze. It would be easier to handle if I could get rid of the damn voice in my head telling me I’m not who I know I am. I don’t need more people telling me it is just a phase or treating me like I’m just confused. I don’t do this for kicks, I do it because it is the only way I know how to be even close to comfortable and authentically present myself.
I’m trying to cheer myself up with playlists by some awesome trans artists like Jacob Tobia and Alok Vaid-Menon and thinking about the Trans Pride Festival tonight. But all I keep coming back to is this horrible feeling in my gut that this game I’m playing with gender is going to have to come to an end someday and I will have to return to reality. But the idea of having to face the world as a man again is even more terrifying than the idea of this future of scrutiny. *Sigh* I guess that’s the sign that I really am genderqueer.
When does this get easier?
EDIT: I went to Trans Pride Seattle after writing this and it was exactly the healing I needed. I was surrounded by hundreds of really cute and radical trans siblings and I got so many hugs. It was a particularly good reminder to see all the other bearded femmes in this city and know that I am not alone. I am so thankful for my queer and trans community in this city.