So much of my brain energy, especially lately, is consumed with thinking about what I really want because I want it and what is just because society expects something. For example last month I went back and forth quite a bit, as I often do, on whether I should grow my hair out to look more feminine or keep my curlyqueer cut with the close buzzed sides and long top. I ended up going short again because I know how to manage my curls that way, it takes less time, and I feel like myself that way. But I still question whether I would like myself with longer hair if I could get through the grow-out process or if I just think I need that so I am less likely to be read as male.
Do most people think about societal expectations this much? Or just feminists? Or just trans people? I don’t even know what is “normal” anymore.
Finding Haven 
I’ve stopped thinking about what society wants and what I want. When I was with my folks this weekend at the Carter Center, I refused to use the Men’s room and instead used the gender-neutral restroom. It just felt right. I dress as a male most of time, but I always have on makeup and panties. If someone hates that about me, we can have a talk, but I don’t feel abnormal. What feels normal to me is masculine AND feminine, not either/or. The more people accept that as the real me, the more they’ll realize it’s normal for me personally. And that’s the only normal that counts.
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