Dysphoria and depression

I’ve been experiencing a lot more dysphoria lately, mostly about the shape and hairiness of my body. I’m very self conscious of my masculine fat-distributed belly and how hairy my chest in particular is. I think the changes in my body and brain are bringing that into sharper relief.

Partly because of that and partly because I see people and communities I care about dying and suffering all over the world, I have been experiencing a lot more depression this week as well. And between the two I’ve been feeling very unsexy which is contributing to my already lowered libido.

I’ve been longing a lot lately for the simpler times in my life when it was easier to ignore who I was and what was going on in the world around me. Sometimes it does feel like ignorance is bliss or at least less painful. But now that I’ve woken up to those facts I can’t go back. And I feel powerless to change most of it so I feel stuck in this terrible place.

There are definitely days I wish I wasn’t an empath or trans. But then I wouldn’t be me. And I’d probably be contributing to the problems instead of trying to make things better in the little ways I can. I hope that my actions do some good to make this worth it.

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