I feel like one of the constant queer dilemmas in figuring out your identity is whether you want to “do them or be them” (or the demisexual equivalent, date them or be them). When you get your first glimpse of queer representation or that gay awakening moment, it’s sometimes hard to tell if you are attracted to that asthetic or person because you want to become like them or whether you have pants feels for them.
For me, that moment came in my teen years when I first heard in the sex ed books I covertly read in the public library about people with both/all kinds of genitals. Sadly at that time I wasn’t reading anything by actual intersex or trans people so the terms I learned initially were highly problematic but the idea still stuck with me. That it was possible to have both a vagina and a penis at the same time.
It wasn’t long before that idea had seeped into my imaginations and people with hybrid genitals dominated my teenage fantasies, both waking and dreaming. For a long time, even after I started transitioning, I thought that was my goal. Two years ago, I tried researching whether it was possible and at that time there wasn’t anything published about it yet so it was only theoretical. Last year, I discovered two surgeons who had started offering a penile preservation vaginoplasty which gave me the chance to think about it seriously.
Now I am planning for my “classic” vaginoplasty and I couldn’t be happier about it (other than that it’s not soon enough!). I don’t feel any confusion or serious doubts anymore. But as I have thought about it more and why I thought I wanted more nonbinary genital options for so long, I’ve realized that it’s because I’m very attracted to that kind of body. The people I find hottest in the world are the folks who have a penis and boobs on the same body. And I’m so glad that the many people I’ve met who want that body now have more options to achieve that.