I really didn’t expect week 5 to be the hardest week. I guess I expected that by now I’d be in the clear mostly but healing isn’t linear.

When I graduated from the surgeon’s care, she warned me about a phenomenon called the “post surgery blues” that usually hits around the 2 month mark. It is caused by all your body energy going into healing and depleting the brain’s reserves. So eventually you hit a wall and your brain is starved for happy chemicals.

I’m not sure if that’s what’s happening early but it sure feels like it this week. It could be just my period hitting but today I’m constantly on the verge of tears and anxious about everything. Yesterday I was tired all day and I woke up at 4 am and couldn’t fall back asleep for over an hour this morning. My brain kept fixing on all the things that could go wrong.

What if I’m dilating my urethra accidentally? I have had a dribbly stream when I pee lately. What if my blood clot has actually moved and I’m tired from it being in my lungs? What if I caught COVID in the ER lobby?

Then this morning I cleaned my new bits and discovered that my clit is yellow and swollen and doesn’t look right. So I messaged my doctor and anxiously waited for that response. Turns out it’s very normal for this phase; enough so that she has slides on it for her presentations. That doesn’t mean I’m not freaking out though.

Everything hurts this week and it sucks. I’m sure it will get better but for now all I want to do is complain and cry. That’s the full answer to how I’m doing this week.