Fuck TERFS

I am so sad that one of my favorite fandoms has been ruined for me by a transphobic author. I am so angry that I can no longer see the anti-bigotry story lines in Harry Potter the same way now that JK Rowling has turned into a Trans Exclusionary “Radical Feminist” and become a bigot towards my community. I am so scared when I see that same dangerous rhetoric being thrown around by lesbians in my own small communities. It is like a virus that destroys feminism from the inside out. I just want to be able to enjoy Harry Potter like I used to without having to worry that every friend posting about it is secretly a transphobe. Why do TERFs ruin everything?

My greatest fear

I know this sounds dramatic but all this waiting in dread and frustration to find out if my greatest fear is being realized is terrifying. Before making the decision to have bottom surgery, I had to overcome a pretty significant fear that I could be in the rare group of people that can’t orgasm (anorgasmia) after surgery. I decided to go ahead anyway because my dysphoria was getting worse but that fear has still been in the back of my head the whole time. And now, here I am, 7 months after surgery and still unable to orgasm. I know it’s early and that the average healing time is 1 year but it is still absolutely scaring the shit out of me.

It honestly wouldn’t be so bad if I still had the libido that I did before surgery due to dysphoria. But now that I have the right body parts and my sex drive has returned, this waiting is absolute agony. And I don’t have the other outlets through kink that I would normally have since I’m limited to contact with one partner. I’ve tried pretty much everything I can think of including ordering way too many different vibrators but still no luck.

Honestly, right now, I kinda regret having surgery. I don’t say that so that cis people can justify denying trans people life saving treatments but rather to normalize being honest about that when you’ve had a disappointing experience. I hope that this feeling will pass but right now I would take the dysphoria over the frustration personally. And I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through life if this keeps up.

Sorry to be depressing today. Thanks for listening to me vent.

Quirky Vagina

Good news! I went to see the urologist today about what I was worried could be a urethralvaginal fistula and she was able to determine that there’s nothing wrong, I just have a harmless little cul-de-sac that splits horizontally from my vagina towards my clitoral area. Turns out my vagina is quirky in more than one way. I’m so relieved!

The only thing she recommended was that I go see pelvic floor physical therapist to help improve some of the minor incontinence issues I’ve been having. That should certainly be interesting!

Rarely Shaving

I shaved this weekend for the first time in 3 months and all I got was some fuzz! I mean I occasionally have to pluck but so do most women. It’s really incredible to go from a thick, full beard to basically nothing in just over two years. It was expensive and painful but so worth it. Not shaving is such a relief and not having the dark stubble in photos means I’m a million times more likely to feel beautiful.

My past is like another life

Sometimes I look at photos of me from my past and think, “damn, that person was sexy.” Not as in a “I wish I was still that person way” but more of a “if that was a stranger, I would date them.” It is such a mind trip to have most of my previous photos feel like they are a completely different person. I’m glad I’ve evolved into more of the person I want to be, and yet it is still so weird to think how recent that shift into feeling like myself has been.

Yet another post-surgical complication

Content warning: medical shit below

I’m so tired of having to worry about my new vagina and whether something is wrong. I really wish I had just been born with the right hardware in the first place so I didn’t have to think about it all the time and I had something I could rely on to work properly.

Yesterday I went to the doctor because I was worried that I had a vaginal tear. And while it turns out it probably isn’t a tear per se, it could potentially be a fistula to my bladder. I have to go to a urogynecology specialist to confirm. It’s also possible that it is just a harmless little pocket in my vagina that just healed weird but either way, it is likely something that will need yet another surgery to fix.

I also keep having bleeding from this granulation tissue right next to my vaginal opening that I am going to have to treat with silver nitrate for a few weeks until it clears up. But unfortunately, the treatment makes it bleed more, a lot more, in the short term while it heals. It is really scary to go to the bathroom and see blood literally dripping from your vulva after you pee. Luckily I have a whole set of homemade flannel pads that my partner made for me so I don’t have to use up a million disposables during this process.

I still haven’t been able to orgasm yet, though worrying about hurting your parts and whether you’re going to start bleeding isn’t exactly conducive to relaxing into it either. And the combined effect of all of this is incredibly frustrating. I just want things to work right! Is that too much to ask for?

Anyway, thanks for listening to me vent.

Missing the old days

Today I’m really missing the days back before I realized how much dysphoria I had where the sex with my factory installed equipment was still good. Once I started estrogen, the sex was just never the same. But my brain and body were so much happier that it was a worthwhile tradeoff.

I’m glad I have what I know are the right parts now, but I am also sad to be still stuck in this period of time where sex is ultimately just frustrating. I know it will probably get better but the waiting is so hard!

5 Month Post-Surgery Update

It’s hard to believe it’s already been 5 months since bottom surgery. Though then again, it is very easy to believe it has been over 5 months since I’ve orgasmed because I can definitely feel that frustration.

I had my “6 month checkup” a little early yesterday. The doctor is impressed at where I’m at and reassures me that it is totally normal to not have orgasms until 9 months (which feels like forever!). I’m now at the biggest size dilator they gave me after surgery and I’m planning on buying an even bigger one soon to open up more options for toys and partners.

The one concern is that I’m still having some bleeding sometimes when I turn up my toys too high near my clit area. She had me send her a photo and confirmed that it is from some leftover granulation tissue that is persisting. I talked to my PCP about it and she is prescribing me some silver nitrate to apply to the area to heal it over. I also have a steroid cream to apply to aid healing. It’s a relief to know it’s not because of trauma I’ve done to the area but just tissue that bleeds easily and is treatable.

Other than that, I just need to keep practicing and hope that the orgasms come soon. I have 2 more checkups at 9 months and again at 1 year (hopefully in person). By that point I should be fully healed and just need to keep up on dilation once to twice a week.

Braided Hair

As a child, I longed to be one of the girls. I spent a lot of time wistfully watching my sister and her friends braiding each other’s hair and wishing that I could do that too. Both because I liked girls and because I wanted to be one.

As an adult, I’ve definitely been sad that I missed out on all those practice years. That I didn’t get the training in hair care that comes with girlhood. But today, I decided to look up instructions and try to braid my own hair.

It’s messy and loose but I finally tried it and the good news is it can only get better from here.

Looking back

Sometimes it’s helpful to look back and realize how far you’ve come. I ran across some photos recently of a vacation I took in 2016 and I was shocked at how hairy I used to be and how different my face looked. It is really a testament to how well laser hair removal works that I don’t really have to think about that much anymore. I used to have a very full beard and now I have shaved once in the last 2 months. It is such a relief to not have the constant dysphoria-inducing shadow on my face from stubble. And I’m so thankful that I had the resources and support to make all this expensive hair removal happen.

2016 me
Me today