complications

My greatest fear

I know this sounds dramatic but all this waiting in dread and frustration to find out if my greatest fear is being realized is terrifying. Before making the decision to have bottom surgery, I had to overcome a pretty significant fear that I could be in the rare group of people that can’t orgasm (anorgasmia) after surgery. I decided to go ahead anyway because my dysphoria was getting worse but that fear has still been in the back of my head the whole time. And now, here I am, 7 months after surgery and still unable to orgasm. I know it’s early and that the average healing time is 1 year but it is still absolutely scaring the shit out of me.

It honestly wouldn’t be so bad if I still had the libido that I did before surgery due to dysphoria. But now that I have the right body parts and my sex drive has returned, this waiting is absolute agony. And I don’t have the other outlets through kink that I would normally have since I’m limited to contact with one partner. I’ve tried pretty much everything I can think of including ordering way too many different vibrators but still no luck.

Honestly, right now, I kinda regret having surgery. I don’t say that so that cis people can justify denying trans people life saving treatments but rather to normalize being honest about that when you’ve had a disappointing experience. I hope that this feeling will pass but right now I would take the dysphoria over the frustration personally. And I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through life if this keeps up.

Sorry to be depressing today. Thanks for listening to me vent.

Yet another post-surgical complication

Content warning: medical shit below

I’m so tired of having to worry about my new vagina and whether something is wrong. I really wish I had just been born with the right hardware in the first place so I didn’t have to think about it all the time and I had something I could rely on to work properly.

Yesterday I went to the doctor because I was worried that I had a vaginal tear. And while it turns out it probably isn’t a tear per se, it could potentially be a fistula to my bladder. I have to go to a urogynecology specialist to confirm. It’s also possible that it is just a harmless little pocket in my vagina that just healed weird but either way, it is likely something that will need yet another surgery to fix.

I also keep having bleeding from this granulation tissue right next to my vaginal opening that I am going to have to treat with silver nitrate for a few weeks until it clears up. But unfortunately, the treatment makes it bleed more, a lot more, in the short term while it heals. It is really scary to go to the bathroom and see blood literally dripping from your vulva after you pee. Luckily I have a whole set of homemade flannel pads that my partner made for me so I don’t have to use up a million disposables during this process.

I still haven’t been able to orgasm yet, though worrying about hurting your parts and whether you’re going to start bleeding isn’t exactly conducive to relaxing into it either. And the combined effect of all of this is incredibly frustrating. I just want things to work right! Is that too much to ask for?

Anyway, thanks for listening to me vent.