Dating

Sex and Dating Updates

Things in my sex life have finally been going much better. I still have only orgasmed on my own the once but it’s starting to get a lot more reliable with good partners. One person even managed to give me the best orgasms of my life two dates in a row! It’s nice to not end sex frustrated and worried about when and if it is going to happen. Instead I get to have that nice satisfied feeling and all the happy endorphins that I missed so much after my first surgery.

The new orgasms feel so different than with my old parts. Before it was like climbing a mountain, seeing a beautiful view, and then coming down much faster than you went up. Now it’s more like cresting waves that build on each other until they crash on a beach and slowly ebb away. It’s a lovely feeling that always leaves me feeling so happy and contented. I’m really glad I got the revision surgery.

I’ve also continued to experiment with men and it’s really solidified for me that while I may be a little bit bisexual and it is very validating to be attractive to straight men, I really am very lesbian leaning. I enjoy dating women and enbies in a way that I just don’t get the same fulfillment with men, whether they’re cis or trans.

I’ve started doing more dating lately, still with a lot of COVID precautions in place, and it feels good to have that fun new relationship energy and to delve more deeply into existing relationships in my life. I’m really thankful to have so many supportive and loving people in my life.

An open letter to OKCupid about the proposed “Real Name” policy

Here is a copy of what I wrote in the OKCupid feedback form in response to their proposed policy change that would require real first names instead of custom usernames by the end of 2017.

Dear OKC team,
I’ve been a user since 2004, I met my spouse here, and I’ve had many relationships ranging from casual to long term that started on your site. I love a lot about your site and I am usually a fan of your changes, especially those to reduce unwanted and harassing messages. I’m not the type to complain every time someone releases a new feature, even if I’m not a fan.

However, I sincerely hope that by “real name policy” you don’t mean to police that like Facebook has done to the detriment and harm of transgender people. For many people, the name that everyone knows them by is not the name on their government issued ID. And forcing someone to use a real name not only violates their privacy but can cause extreme emotional harm and potential violence towards them. It has driven many trans people off of Facebook and I truly hope that you won’t undo the great work you put in with your expanded gender options by forcing us to use our “birth names” which many of us call our dead names.

As a nonmonogamous person, I also know that many people are not “out” about their identity to family and coworkers because we have no workplace protections or laws to protect us from societal harm. Almost every polyamorous person I know is on OKC but a LOT of them will be leaving soon if you enforce this rule.

Then there’s the safety concern in general, especially for women, who are opening themselves up to stalkers by having a profile with their real name. Being on OKC and revealing the kinds of personal details we do already contains a huge amount of risk, especially for queer, feminine, transgender, nonbinary, nonmonogamous people like me. And having that data attached to our real name is not only going to drive a large portion of your loyal users away, but it will likely cause a lot of those who stay to be more cautious about what they share, harming their potential for building successful relationships.

People have a lot of options for dating sites these days and most of us are here because right now you are the best, particularly around nonmonogamy, gender, and sexuality. Please don’t ruin a good thing by forcing real names.

 

If you are an OKCupid user and you have opinions about the change, please take a moment to speak up on Twitter, use their feedback form, or comment on their blog post.

Update: They seem to have clarified on their Twitter:

We love our members. You do not need to use your government name or even your full first name. Use the name, nickname, or initials you’d like your date to call you on OkCupid.