Gratitude

What have I been up to

It’s been a few months since I updated this blog so I figured it was time to give an update.

The last few months have been very busy with starting the Seattle Trans and Nonbinary Choral Ensemble (STANCE) and getting it up and running. We have auditions this week and I’m very excited to say that we hit my goal of 50 signups! After 5 years of dreaming and scheming, it is so exciting to finally see this coming together. If you want to get in for an audition slot last minute, there still a few calendar times open. Signup at www.stanceseattle.org/join_us.

The biggest hurdle so far has been getting funding. We got a great early grant from Seattle Pride and individual donors have really stepped up to raise $2,500 so far. But to really make this successful and sustainable we really need to win a bigger grant to fund the Artistic Director’s salary. I already got turned down for one of my hopeful opportunities but I’m waiting to hear back soon from the largest potential grant I’ve found so far. Fingers crossed that we get the money soon.

We did find a lovely church to host us. It hits all of our requirements in terms of accessibility and inclusivity and it was even less expensive that I was expecting to have to pay. Unfortunately the only night that both the church and our Director were available is the same night as my former choir, Puget Soundworks. I hate to compete with them but I have also been really disappointed in their lack of trans inclusivity lately. They don’t have any trans board members (I applied and was turned down) and when TERFs outed themselves in the community a couple years ago, it took them over a year to deal with the problem.

That’s part of what gave me the impetuous to finally make this choir happen. I believe strongly that there should be no communities that claim trans inclusivity without having trans people in leadership long term. Nothing about us without us.

To make a long story short, I’m so happy to finally be fulfilling my long time dream of making Seattle’s first chorus by and for trans and nonbinary people. No journey is without its hurdles but I think that I’m able to take those in stride and push through challenges much better now than I was a few years ago. I’m grateful to finally have the brain space to do things like this now that I have pretty fully transitioned. Not having to fight daily with dysphoria really gives me a lot more capacity.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me along the way. I couldn’t do this without you!

41 days until surgery!

I’m down to less than 6 weeks before gender confirmation surgery and I’m so nervous! I’m not anxious about the surgery itself other than a natural concern about the rare complications. I’m nervous that something will happen between now and then to prevent me from getting the surgery. Because the idea of delaying it sounds like torture. When I did my consult a year ago, I was ready. And now I am wishing I had started the process sooner.

I’ve done literally everything I can do. I’ve bought medical supplies, collected comfortable clothing for the recovery, changed our original flight plans to a roadtrip, booked an accessible AirBnb, and even scheduled my pre-op bloodwork. But my brain can’t stop focusing on all the things that could go wrong.

What if there’s a new wave of COVID-19 cases now that we are re-opening businesses prematurely? What if I get sick right before surgery? What if I get down there and find out that the hair removal wasn’t sufficient because I missed 2 months due to COVID shutdowns? What if the doctor says that my weight is too much of a problem since I’ve put on 20 pounds in the last year?

The last one is the one I hate the most. I’m a very fat positive person and generally I don’t care about my weight. But last year I had a bad experience with Dr. Satterwhite when I consulted with him and he was hyper-focused on my high BMI. He claimed that if I gained any more weight it would be “unsafe” to do the procedure. Thankfully Dr. Wittenberg, the surgeon I ended up choosing, told me that they are more like guidelines for optimal results which I absolutely agree with, but my brain is still anxious about it. Fatphobia is one of the few remaining socially acceptable forms of overt discrimination.

In the end, there’s not much I can do about it. I know all the data about how fad diets don’t work and can cause more medical issues than they solve. And luckily the nutritionist/therapist I’m working with agrees and is helping me balance my food in a way that feels appropriate to me. But the voice of that fatphobic doctor still haunts me. I also wonder how many fat trans people he’s turned away and made believe that they can’t get surgery.

On a more positive note though, my job is being super supportive. They have hired new permanent and temporary staff to take on my workload while I’m gone with enough time to train them before I go. So now I know I can leave even in the midst of a busy period of running COVID research studies and know my work is in good hands.

Currently I am hoping to be able to return to at least part-time work after 6 weeks which is the minimum time my surgeon recommends. Since we are completely online now it should be more accessible. But there is a potential that I may need the full 12 weeks before I’m lucid and off pain meds.

For housing I was lucky enough to find a basement apartment owned by a gay couple to rent that not only is ground floor but has a kitchen and even AC! It was very expensive at $3,400 but it’s centrally located in San Francisco so I can easily make it from the hospital and to my follow up appointments without sitting in traffic. I’ll be staying for a full month since I need to arrive 5 days prior to surgery for my pre-op and stay for 3 weeks after for post-op check ins before I’m cleared to travel. I’m really hoping that I can handle the 800 mile drive home without too much pain since I don’t feel very safe about airports right now.

I’m in the final countdown period and I am so excited! Thank you to all my friends who donated over $2,500 to make this happen. And I couldn’t do this without the support of my wonderful spouse who will be my caretaker after surgery. I guess you could say it takes a village to make a vagina.

Unexpected affirmations

I promised myself I was done posting for today but I just had the most amazing experience walking down the street in my very genderqueer outfit. I was heading to get coffee with a friend down a back street in Seattle on a scorching hot day minding my own business with my headphones in. Suddenly I see a guy across the street calling to me and waving me his direction. I’m skeptical but he seems friendly so I head to find out what he wants. Turns out he’s the shop owner of LICK Pure Cream and wanted to take a picture of me because my fuchsia and purple outfit perfectly matches his shop. He pulls out a pink waffle cone and fills it with blueberry chai ice cream on the house and asks to take a picture of me for Instagram in his iconic yellow chair. He even asked my pronouns. Sometimes life really surprises you!

**** Update 2017 – Sadly LICK went out of business so you can’t go meet the wonderful owner there anymore. ***

Also, I wanted to gush about how happy I am to finally have found some heel boots that fit! I’m size 13W in women’s and it’s nearly impossible to find anything, much less something both comfortable and stylish. But these David Tate shoes arrived from Zappos last night and look fabulous so I geared my outfit today around them.