Hypervisibility revisited

I’ve written before about the burden of hypervisibility as a trans person who is never going to pass or not be noticed everywhere I go. I even wrote a chapter about it for the anthology Nonbinary: Memoirs of Gender and Identity which comes out next week. But I do want to circle back around to that topic briefly.

I’m not entirely sure what exactly changed but slowly over the last year and a half since I wrote that essay, some of that burden has lifted. I no longer feel that constant pressure of eyes on me everywhere I go in the same oppressive way. It’s not that people aren’t staring, it’s about my perception of it.

It may be that I have simply developed thicker armor when I go out in public and like so many women before me, have had to learn to accept that unwanted attention is going to happen in a world where misogyny reigns free. Or it may be that I’ve redefined what that attention means. I no longer assume that everyone who I catch staring at me has ill intentions. I know from experience that the vast majority of it is probably curiosity or even good will. And knowing that I can’t determine the meaning in their gaze (unless they are openly videoing me and leering) has left me more open to generous interpretation.

Now I’m not trying to give you blanket permission to go stare at everyone you encounter who is “different” or edgy or whatever you want to call it. When I’m already raw from microaggressions, that attention still chafes. But having so much support at home, in my friend circles, and at work helps relieve some of that daily microaggression exposure so that I’m more able to tolerate things like misgendering and stares in public.

In a lot of ways, my dysphoria and mental health has gotten worse lately as I dive deeper into my self examination and awareness. And all I can do it to keep trying to find the energy to push forward in hopes that that burden will lessen as I get the gender affirming treatments that I need. But it is also helpful for me to look back and acknowledge these areas where life has gotten better and the things I thought would plague me forever have faded away from my conscious thoughts.

Can I use “guys” “dude” or “man” as gender neutral?

I would say this is the number one question I get in contexts where I am out as nonbinary. People will often say things like “you guys,” “dude, it would be…”, or “thanks man” around me out of habit, quickly realize their potential faux pas, and clarify that they meant it in a gender neutral way. This is also a conversation I see in trans spaces a lot. So here’s my take on it.

Personally, and I must emphasize here that I do not speak for all trans or even AMAB nonbinary people, I have chosen to accept gendered terms like that as gender neutral in a context where they clearly would have said the same thing to a cisgender woman. Context is key though because there are definitely ways of saying them as an intentional form of misgendering or because you don’t see someones gender. So I can’t really give you a clear hard-and-fast rule on whether you should use them around me.

In general, I highly recommend trying to move away from using those words. While you may mean them in a gender neutral way, we all hopefully know by now that intent is not the same as impact. If you use them around many transgender people, they may get angry or upset, even if they don’t tell you. And that is a completely legitimate reaction to have. They are not being “overly sensitive” or “looking to get angry;” using traditionally gendered language around trans people can be a form of microaggression.

Microaggressions are like mosquito bites – individually they aren’t that bad, merely annoying. But if you get a bunch of them, the effect adds up quickly and can make you irritable, mad, or even dangerously ill. The same is often true for trans people and gendered language. They may have what seems to you to be a disproportionate reaction to something you unintentionally said. But what they are probably reacting to is the cumulative effect of the constant misgendering they get on a daily, if not hourly, basis. So many of us have to fight so hard to be seen for who we are and when things happen to remind us that we still aren’t seen as fully a woman or legitimately not a man (or the reverse), it can be very triggering.

Maybe it’s because I’ve only been fighting for public recognition of my gender for a couple years or maybe it is because I am trying to ignore my hurt feelings. But just because one nonbinary person says it is ok, doesn’t mean that you should keep doing it. Correcting your language is very very hard; I know that just as well as anyone. I am making an effort right now to be more aware of the ableism in my turns of phrase, not using words like “crazy” and “stupid,” but I am making very slow progress. Most of the time I don’t catch it until I’ve said it, at which point I try to correct without making a big deal about it.

You can do the same thing with traditionally gendered terms. Rather than waste your energy on trying to emphasize the evolution of language to explain why it is now gender neutral, simply correct yourself with a different phrase and move on. “You guys want to play a game? …I mean ya’ll?” Same thing with pronouns. Don’t launch into a huge apology, just correct mid-sentence if possible and keep talking.

Hopefully this PSA has been helpful.