As I’m completing the annual survey for the Pride Study, it has me thinking again about the questions “do I regret being trans” and “do I want to be cis”. And the answer is complicated, but not for the reason that most people think.

Do I regret being trans? Yes, but largely because of how trans people are treated in the world. If we lived in a society where everyone was truly valued no matter what their gender and sex assigned at birth, I would have very little regret.

Do I want to be cis? I mean yes and no. I love being a part of the trans community and the tight knit bonds that come from that. But there are times, especially around sex, where I wish I had the genitals and voice of a cis woman. Gender affirming surgery was great but there are downsides to human made equipment vs natal tissue. I’m not as stretchy as I want to be which limits the size of partners I can be with and things I can do. I can’t self-lubricate which is frustrating at times. And my clitoris isn’t as sensitive and makes it really hard to masturbate.

Do I regret being a woman? Hell no! I literally turned my life upside down to be a woman and I wouldn’t change that for the world. Nothing on heaven or earth could make me go back to pretending to be a man. I would literally rather die than be in boy mode again. That’s what the phrase “death before detransition” means.

Regarding sexuality, do I wish I was straight? Never in a million years! I didn’t enjoy relating to women as someone perceived as a man. And I definitely wouldn’t want to have to navigate the world as a trans woman only attracted to cis men because that is a million times harder in this day and age than being a sapphic trans woman. It used to be that in order to access transition care, you had to be exclusively interested in men (or at least pretend) because transition was restricted to only whatever was convenient for cis men. But dating men as a trans woman has always been dangerous and fraught with difficulty. I am eternally grateful that I am primarily attracted to women and femmes.

I am grateful for the trans community and chosen family I have around me. They make the world a better place. Especially on days where I can avoid interacting with cisgender people altogether. I wish that being trans wasn’t such a wedge issue these days. It is hard when both pseudo-feminists on the left and transphobes on the right hate you and want you dead. But I still wouldn’t trade womanhood for the world. It is the best thing to happen to me hands down.