A rant

Pardon me for a moment but I need to rant.

Hey. Young Activists and SJWs. STOP. TREATING. PEOPLE. LIKE. THEY. ARE. DISPOSABLE!
 
I am so sick and tired of queer community treating people who are trying to learn and improve, ESPECIALLY trans women, like they are disposable. In my mind if you aren’t including rural queers who are still catching up on the quickly evolving language we use in the city and binary trans people who have been doing this a whole lot longer, then your movement is fundamentally flawed.
 
Trans women, especially ones who are binary and/or straight, NEED community just as much if not more so than you. And yet they are constantly either scared away by the transmisogynistic rhetoric that you subtly incorporate or actively driven away by being slapped down the moment they say the wrong word. We need queer and trans elders in our communities! They have invaluable knowledge to impart if only you would take a moment to listen without looking for “problematic” elements. And the vast majority of them are very teachable if you just use some compassion and patience.
 
The “purity” culture in social justice circles is unacceptable and harmful. You are creating a world where only people who have the privilege to spend all their time online and in community get to continue to engage in community. You tear anyone who steps up to do the work of leadership apart because you don’t know how to differentiate between imperfect but improving leaders and ones who are irredeemable. Within our communities there is no one who has all the privilege and there are very few who have none. But you treat privilege like it is a black and white have/have not type situation. You preach intersectionality and then when the rubber hits the road you show that all you really care about is performing your activism to look good in front of the popular kids.
 
STOP MAKING PERFECT THE ENEMY OF GOOD!
<end rant>

Brief thought of the day

I honestly thought I would have a beard my whole life because I couldn’t imagine a world where I was happy with my face. Other than the stubble which I’m working on, I think I’m getting there. I’m excited to see what it looks like after my jaw surgery.

Starting Electrolysis

I’ve passed the point of no return (queue Phantom of the Opera music). I’ve started electrolysis on my chin which means the beard is never coming back. I now have a quarter sized patch which is all inflamed at the moment where the hair has been permanently killed using a combination of electric current and heat to create a chemical reaction of lye to remove the whole follicle. And boy howdy was it painful!

I didn’t use a topical anesthetic this time and I definitely regret it. At first it wasn’t too bad. It was similar to tattoo needles but with the added weird sensation of radiating heat in your skin. But after a surprisingly short time, my body stopped ignoring the pain and by about 45 minutes I was begging for the hour to end. And the worst part was that it really wiped me out after. My body was just so exhausted that I came home and crashed.

Actually no, I take that back. The dysphoria caused by letting my stubble grow in for 5 days was the worst part. By this weekend I just felt gross and ugly in a visceral way. And when I added the pain to it on Sunday afternoon, it pushed me over the edge. All I could manage was getting high on pain relieving cannabis (legal here) and playing video games. Engaging my brain in Mass Effect Andromeda was the only way I kept from dissociating.

I feel much better today now that I’ve shaved. But it is odd to have a pink scabby spot on my chin that I’m acutely aware of. It is really going to take a long frickin’ time for that circle to grow to the size of my face. I’ve got a lot of sessions ahead of me but I’m glad that I found a trans esthetician to do it. I feel better about the sheer amount of money I’m going to be spending knowing I’m keeping it in the family. Hopefully next time with lidocane it will be better.

With the NYT article that is going around (which shows one valid point of view not representative of everyone), I think it is worth pointing out that the level of dysphoria I experience now is not something I expect to last forever. Starting my transition has made my dysphoria and mental health worse in some ways and better in others. It’s not a linear path but I do think that it is similar to facing any trauma – the only way out is through. The path to healing and authenticity is painful and dredges up a lot of feelings that have been buried. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it or that it is a disease that I am looking for sympathy for. Treatment does help reduce dysphoria significantly but it’s a long game. You don’t get fast results.

What it does mean is that we need to reduce barriers to care for trans people. I so often hear the argument that things like hair removal shouldn’t be covered because then all the cis people should get it too. But that comes from a lens of equality rather than equity. Trans people have the most barriers to healthcare of pretty much anyone as a group. There are not only barriers from gatekeeping but the added burden of increased rates of employment and housing discrimination that keep many trans people in low paying jobs without coverage. Hair removal for many trans people is a crucial step needed to reduce gender dysphoria and if I didn’t have the money and life circumstances to be able to afford it out of pocket I wouldn’t have the ability to improve that distress.

So today I’m thankful for all the people who have supported my journey thus far. And for my job with decent medical benefits that allows me to start planning for bottom surgery (after I save enough for all the travel and associated out of pocket costs). And for my incredible partner and chosen family I live and share costs with that makes it possible to live near Seattle and still have money for things like electrolysis. I hope every person can find the kind of unconditional love that I have.

Facial dysphoria

I’m still in this weird place where I go back and forth almost every other day about whether I like my face better now or with the beard. But today as I was feeling wishful for my beard again I looked back at my photos and realized I’ve gotten used to my face as it is now and my beard looks odd to me. I guess I’ve successfully adapted my brain to my facial  structure.

I am still having a lot of dysphoria around how dark and thick my hair follicles are on my face. And how my face constantly has red bumps, whiteheads, and cuts from shaving. So I reached out to a trans electrolysis esthetician about starting the process of permanent hair removal on my face. I can’t really afford it but I also can’t afford to live with this level of dysphoria either so I’ll have to find a way. It takes so long that I know I should start now.

Today I’m also having dysphoria around my double chin. I’ve tried to ignore it as I’ve continued to put on more weight over the last 10 years but it’s a lot more obvious without the beard. My jaw surgeon said that setting my chin back may make that part worse but he will do his best to reduce it. I may need a chin tuck at some point though.

Sometimes I regret shaving but I think realistically the only way through is forward.

Beard update pt 2

So the bad news is that my facial hair grows back a lot more slowly now and the stubble gives me so much dysphoria that I’m not sure it’s worth it. The good news is my hair grows so slowly now that I think I can get away with shaving every other day.

Building my first cosplay

As I’ve mentioned before, I am a huge Steven Universe fan. On the surface it appears to just be a kids cartoon but once you dive deeper you find out that it is a multifaceted show about complex emotional topics with an amazing story arch and fabulous queer and nonbinary representation. Rebecca Sugar, the show’s creator, has recently confirmed that she is a “nonbinary woman” (yes, those terms can co-exist) and that all the gems are too. But more importantly, Stevonnie, a character introduced in the first season, is one of the best representations of nonbinary gender anywhere on TV. I nearly squealed with delight when it was shown in a more recent episode that they grow facial hair and have to shave. Which confirmed what I’ve been thinking for awhile – that I need to make a Stevonnie cosplay outfit.

My favorite convention of the year, Geek Girl Con, is coming up next weekend in Seattle. It’s the only con I go to because it focuses on intersectionality in geek culture and isn’t too crowded for my anxiety. The last few years I’ve done some really basic bounding (simple outfits merely inspired by a character) costumes but this year I decided to go all out. I’ve been collecting costume pieces for awhile now including a Rose Quartz gem, a Steven Universe crop top, denim capris, and pink Converse with a star on the side.

This weekend I did some major crafting and creating the best parts of the costume – Stevonnie’s magical shield and Rose Quartz’s pink sword. I used a child’s metal sled as the base of the shield and after several failed attempts to get the paint to stick, figured out a way to paint it with the colors and patterns using a matte spray paint as the base. For the sword I used a cardboard base with a dowel in the middle covered in craft foam and held together with tape and hot glue. I’m not totally happy with the hilt but it’s my first attempt so it will do.

Cosplay

Come see me next weekend at the Seattle Convention Center and check it out! More photos to follow.

Beard update

Things I’ve realized so far:
1. I hate shaving
2. My skin hates shaving
 
3. I really liked my beard. It was dramatic and beautiful and served a role rather similar to makeup for me in giving shape to parts of my face that I wanted definition on. It was gloriously dense and curly which also means that underneath the hair follicles are really thick and visible without it.
 
4. I feel like the biggest reasons I shaved was about other people, not because I wanted to. I was curious to see if my face had changed underneath and if I could get used to it, and in that regard it was a successful experiment. But mostly it was because I feel like having the beard makes a lot of people jump to very gendered expectations of me and they are less likely to see me as trans even if I’m wearing a dress. And I am really tired of living in such a gendered world and in a society that bars me from many activities if I don’t look like I’m trying hard enough to be a woman (even in supposedly trans inclusive spaces). But the solution isn’t necessarily for me to try to conform to that image but to keep trying to do what I want and fits with my own experience and dysphoria. And to continue trying to learn to ignore other people’s opinions and prejudices.
 
5. Seeing the dark shadow on my lower face and feeling the scratchy texture of my skin gives me far more dysphoria than having the beard. If I do want to get rid of it, I will likely have to wait until I can afford laser hair removal.
 
I think I’m going to start growing it back which shouldn’t take long with my face. Though perhaps longer now that I’m on estrogen than before.
 
Thank you to everyone who was so affirming of my little experiment and gave me so many lovely compliments and shaving advice.

Names in transition

I feel like I’m in such a weird place of flux and transition with my name right now. It has been a long time, so long that I can’t even remember when I last felt a strong connection with my birth name. I’m not averse to it and it doesn’t feel like a “dead name” that brings up bad memories or feelings. I just feel apathetic to it. As in it’s something you can use to identify me but the name isn’t the same as who I am.

When I got married last year I changed my last name to something that my partner and I created together based on our matriarchal heritages. And that feels meaningful in a special way. I also decided to take the opportunity while I was doing all the paperwork to change my legal middle name to the name I have thought for years would be a good fit for me. Something mostly gender neutral but feminine leaning.

The last few weeks I’ve switched to using the chosen name as my primary name in most of my social circles and my friends and partners have been amazing about picking it up consistently and quickly. But I’m still using my first name at work. And it’s creating this odd dissonance for my brain.

I told my boss about it and she is very supportive and really loves my new name. But I haven’t rolled it out to my team yet because it feels so complicated to educate everyone and change it on all the various documents and systems. Not to mention feeling like a burden for being confusing. My strategy was going to be to wait until I got a new position because I was interviewing this month for a job within the company I found out I didn’t get. So now I’m not sure if I should keep waiting and hope I switch jobs soon or if I should just go ahead and tell my team and do the work of educating and updating now.

Being in transition is such an odd experience.

Beard update – day 3

It’s been 3 days since I shaved and I’m still not sure how I feel about being beardless. I am getting used to seeing my face and my chin is causing less dysphoria than I expected. But seeing the 5 o’clock shadow from my thick, dense hair follicles that never seems to go away is causing a lot of dysphoria that I never felt with an intentional beard. And it’s aggravated by the fact that no matter what I do, my face is still getting red bumps and reacting poorly to shaving.

Unless I can figure out some technique that simultaneously gets me a smoother face with less irritation soon, I think I’ll just go back to the beard at least until I can afford laser therapy for my face.

I shaved!

So I got the hair-brained idea in my head yesterday to shave. It’s been 12 years since I grew my beard and I’ve only shaved completely twice, the last time being 5 years ago. I was going to get it professionally shaved by a fancy barber on Saturday but he was out sick so I bought a nice shaving supply kit and did it myself.

And it seems that 7 months of estrogen has worked it’s magic and softened my face sufficiently for me to feel beautiful. The cleft in my chin is almost completely gone. It also helps to have other gender affirming markers like my hair, glasses, earrings, and clothing. Now to work on evening out my skin tone to match.

It definitely takes some getting used to. My chin alternately feels cold when there’s a draft and warm when there’s not because it’s not insulated anymore. And I haven’t gotten used to my face in the mirror yet so it doesn’t feel like me. Can’t tell if that’s dysphoria or just an adjustment.

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