transition

Starting Electrolysis

I’ve passed the point of no return (queue Phantom of the Opera music). I’ve started electrolysis on my chin which means the beard is never coming back. I now have a quarter sized patch which is all inflamed at the moment where the hair has been permanently killed using a combination of electric current and heat to create a chemical reaction of lye to remove the whole follicle. And boy howdy was it painful!

I didn’t use a topical anesthetic this time and I definitely regret it. At first it wasn’t too bad. It was similar to tattoo needles but with the added weird sensation of radiating heat in your skin. But after a surprisingly short time, my body stopped ignoring the pain and by about 45 minutes I was begging for the hour to end. And the worst part was that it really wiped me out after. My body was just so exhausted that I came home and crashed.

Actually no, I take that back. The dysphoria caused by letting my stubble grow in for 5 days was the worst part. By this weekend I just felt gross and ugly in a visceral way. And when I added the pain to it on Sunday afternoon, it pushed me over the edge. All I could manage was getting high on pain relieving cannabis (legal here) and playing video games. Engaging my brain in Mass Effect Andromeda was the only way I kept from dissociating.

I feel much better today now that I’ve shaved. But it is odd to have a pink scabby spot on my chin that I’m acutely aware of. It is really going to take a long frickin’ time for that circle to grow to the size of my face. I’ve got a lot of sessions ahead of me but I’m glad that I found a trans esthetician to do it. I feel better about the sheer amount of money I’m going to be spending knowing I’m keeping it in the family. Hopefully next time with lidocane it will be better.

With the NYT article that is going around (which shows one valid point of view not representative of everyone), I think it is worth pointing out that the level of dysphoria I experience now is not something I expect to last forever. Starting my transition has made my dysphoria and mental health worse in some ways and better in others. It’s not a linear path but I do think that it is similar to facing any trauma – the only way out is through. The path to healing and authenticity is painful and dredges up a lot of feelings that have been buried. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it or that it is a disease that I am looking for sympathy for. Treatment does help reduce dysphoria significantly but it’s a long game. You don’t get fast results.

What it does mean is that we need to reduce barriers to care for trans people. I so often hear the argument that things like hair removal shouldn’t be covered because then all the cis people should get it too. But that comes from a lens of equality rather than equity. Trans people have the most barriers to healthcare of pretty much anyone as a group. There are not only barriers from gatekeeping but the added burden of increased rates of employment and housing discrimination that keep many trans people in low paying jobs without coverage. Hair removal for many trans people is a crucial step needed to reduce gender dysphoria and if I didn’t have the money and life circumstances to be able to afford it out of pocket I wouldn’t have the ability to improve that distress.

So today I’m thankful for all the people who have supported my journey thus far. And for my job with decent medical benefits that allows me to start planning for bottom surgery (after I save enough for all the travel and associated out of pocket costs). And for my incredible partner and chosen family I live and share costs with that makes it possible to live near Seattle and still have money for things like electrolysis. I hope every person can find the kind of unconditional love that I have.

Facial dysphoria

I’m still in this weird place where I go back and forth almost every other day about whether I like my face better now or with the beard. But today as I was feeling wishful for my beard again I looked back at my photos and realized I’ve gotten used to my face as it is now and my beard looks odd to me. I guess I’ve successfully adapted my brain to my facial  structure.

I am still having a lot of dysphoria around how dark and thick my hair follicles are on my face. And how my face constantly has red bumps, whiteheads, and cuts from shaving. So I reached out to a trans electrolysis esthetician about starting the process of permanent hair removal on my face. I can’t really afford it but I also can’t afford to live with this level of dysphoria either so I’ll have to find a way. It takes so long that I know I should start now.

Today I’m also having dysphoria around my double chin. I’ve tried to ignore it as I’ve continued to put on more weight over the last 10 years but it’s a lot more obvious without the beard. My jaw surgeon said that setting my chin back may make that part worse but he will do his best to reduce it. I may need a chin tuck at some point though.

Sometimes I regret shaving but I think realistically the only way through is forward.

Names in transition

I feel like I’m in such a weird place of flux and transition with my name right now. It has been a long time, so long that I can’t even remember when I last felt a strong connection with my birth name. I’m not averse to it and it doesn’t feel like a “dead name” that brings up bad memories or feelings. I just feel apathetic to it. As in it’s something you can use to identify me but the name isn’t the same as who I am.

When I got married last year I changed my last name to something that my partner and I created together based on our matriarchal heritages. And that feels meaningful in a special way. I also decided to take the opportunity while I was doing all the paperwork to change my legal middle name to the name I have thought for years would be a good fit for me. Something mostly gender neutral but feminine leaning.

The last few weeks I’ve switched to using the chosen name as my primary name in most of my social circles and my friends and partners have been amazing about picking it up consistently and quickly. But I’m still using my first name at work. And it’s creating this odd dissonance for my brain.

I told my boss about it and she is very supportive and really loves my new name. But I haven’t rolled it out to my team yet because it feels so complicated to educate everyone and change it on all the various documents and systems. Not to mention feeling like a burden for being confusing. My strategy was going to be to wait until I got a new position because I was interviewing this month for a job within the company I found out I didn’t get. So now I’m not sure if I should keep waiting and hope I switch jobs soon or if I should just go ahead and tell my team and do the work of educating and updating now.

Being in transition is such an odd experience.

Jaw feminization

I just talked to my oral surgeon about what can be done to feminize my chin, the biggest source of dysphoria for me at this point, when I go in to align my teeth this Winter. This is a major oral surgery I’ve been dreading for almost 10 years now as I waited for the right insurance and financial stability to make it possible. But now that there is the possibility it could make my face more tolerable, I’m actually excited.

I started the process 2 years ago when I first met with the surgeon before I was out and thinking about what the impact of my prominent, square, cleft chin was. I’ve been using my beard to cover it up for so long that I sometimes forget that this really ugly-feeling part of me is underneath. I found out just how much it would cost and realized I needed a new job to make this work. The next step was the braces I got installed in January which re-align my teeth back to where they will need to be after the surgery. Unfortunately, in the short term, the braces have made my dysphoria and confidence worse. The first day I had them I dissociated so badly that I felt like I was walking around viewing the world through a long, dark tunnel. It has gotten better since but I still can’t wait to get them off.

But the end of stage one is finally in sight so I got up the courage to reach out to the surgeons office to find out if there were parts of facial feminization that could be accomplished as part of this procedure. I was both excited and terrified as the appointment got close this month fearing that he would just dismiss my concerns and focus on function. But it went surprisingly well. For an old white cis dude he seemed to really get it. He talked about the various things that he can do to tilt the lower jaw back, shave off the harsher edges, and bring it more in line with the rest of my face. He even was aware enough of the gendered aspects that he is suggesting increasing how much of my upper teeth are visible when my lips part because apparently that is a feminine trait.

He was cautious about over-promising and he is limited with how much he can do because of the potential impacts on my breathing and sleep apnea and the amount of muscle I have on my chin. But I am hopeful that it can be enough better that I can actually face myself in the mirror without my beard. He promised to do some advanced prediction models and show me several options we can discuss at our pre-surgery appointment so I can have some say in how my new face will look.

I’m especially excited for this since my insurance doesn’t cover facial feminization. And overall that’s not really a primary concern of mine on the rest of my face since I have great cheekbones (even according to the surgeon) and a good nose that balances my face. So if I can get this all done in one surgery that I’ve been planning for so long, I will be very happy.

Now to see if I can actually live without the beard for the next few months before surgery. I haven’t gotten up the courage to go into the barber yet…

Curves and Clothes

With the changing of the seasons and the rainy season beginning here in Seattle I’m pulling back out the clothes I haven’t really worn since before estrogen. And I’m amazed at how much better they feel on my body and how great I feel in even some of my older androgynous type clothing from the men’s section. Having curves underneath an otherwise straight cut pair of pants or shirt makes the whole outfit quite a bit more feminine and affirming.

I wish I could get a photo of how good my butt looks in these stretchy pants (including matching Chucks) but this will have to suffice for now.

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Exploring surgery further

Content warning: I’m going to be talking about sex and genital surgery. Be forewarned.

Now that I have done some work in therapy to work through my fears about surgery, I am starting to explore my options in earnest.

For years I thought that I wouldn’t want to get surgery unless I found an option where they could add a vagina while keeping my penis intact. This was partly based on how I envisioned myself and those I was attracted to in my dreams as a teen. Before I knew that trans people existed, most of my imaginations centered around people who had both sets in tandem, sometimes with retractable phalluses and always with breasts. A year ago I tried to do some research to see if that was possible. At that time they had just successfully done the first neo-vagina made from peritoneum, the internal connective tissue in your abdomen. But everywhere I looked people either weren’t talking about that option or claimed that it was impossible to construct a vagina without damaging the penis.

So I had pretty much given up on that idea and gotten on board with a standard penile inversion vaginoplasty. But this time when I started doing research on surgeons I came across the website of Dr. Heidi Wittenberg who mentions that for gender nonconforming people she offers a penile preservation vaginoplasty. I can’t find many details online about the technique but apparently it involves using skin from another area such as doing a tummy tuck or a strip from the thigh. The scrotum is still used to build the labia and the phallus is left intact. And I hear from other trans people that she isn’t the only one. There are several surgeons who trained under Brownstein and Crane who can do this.

The odd thing is, now that I’ve finally found the thing that I always thought I wanted, I’m not sure that’s actually what I want. The more I think about it the happier I am with the idea of having a well constructed neo-vagina. I’ve seen the work that surgeons can do firsthand and it is incredible how hard it is to tell that it isn’t natal.

Luckily I don’t need to decide just yet. Next year is my jaw surgery (hopefully with some chin correction while I’m at it) and I know I can’t afford both in the same year so this will have to wait until at least late 2019 or probably 2020. My current plan is to go to both Gender Odyssey in Seattle and Philly Trans Wellness to learn more about the current techniques and hopefully catch Dr. Wittenberg’s presentation. I can get a consultation there and schedule something if I want. I do like the idea of having a surgery done with someone who recognizes transitions outside the binary and can talk me through the options. Not to mention that she specializes in Gynecologic urology exclusively for trans people and is considered an expert in neurology and minimally invasive surgery. Currently her waitlists appear to only be 3 months which is much better than most of the surgeons out there.

What I have noticed is that making up my mind that I do want surgery and giving myself permission to explore that in earnest has improved my sex life quite a bit. My libido has picked up and I find myself more ready to utilize my penis now that I know it is short term. It almost feels like I want to make good use of it while I have it as a way of wishing it goodbye. I have also noticed a difference in sensation as my brain rewires itself for estrogen. The head of the penis is more sensitive almost to the point that it already feels like I imagine a large clitoris must feel. And stimulation on the shaft somehow evokes the sensation of being penetrated. Not sure how to describe that and how much is me envisioning it in different ways but it does feel more and more like what I have right now is an inverted vagina, not the same penis I used to have.

That may be TMI but you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

My gender

After further thought I think I can say as clearly as life will allow right now that I am definitely nonbinary but I would much rather be assumed to be a woman at casual glance than assumed male. I’m not sure exactly what my transition will look like yet but I will likely be doing what looks more like a binary path from the outside but rest assured, even when the beard disappears I’ll still be your lovable genderqueer tomboy. That’s all for now.

Bra shopping adventures

After a month of searching I finally have some bras that fit! And it feels so right to have it on now that it’s the appropriate size.

I started out with a trip to my local Lane Bryant where I’m usually treated really well. Unfortunately the sales associate I got this time seemed taken aback that I would ask for bra measurements and rushed through it and then disappeared and wasn’t helpful in finding options. And it appears she measured me wrong too. She said I was either a 42B or 40C (anyone can look at me and tell I’m definitely not a C yet). But I tried on the few options they had for 42B and they didn’t fit well, especially since they were all underwire which I don’t need at this point. And the bralettes they carried had a flattening effect which is the opposite of what I want right now.

So I went home disappointed and decided to try online since my size is rare to find in stores. I first tried an order of 42B wire-free bras from HerRoom. And I managed to find a couple that looked good if I used my silicone breast forms. But the jump from having very little to suddenly being in a padded and stuffed B cup didn’t feel right. And the silicone against my chest made me sweat like a pig in the summer heat. Every time I looked down or caught it out of my periphery, it felt like I was an impostor for being so large so suddenly.

So this time I tried ordering some 42A bras from Bare Necessities. They just arrived last night and today I’m wearing the Coobie Comfort Bralette with molded cup inserts which lives up to its name. I also got the padded Leading Lady Smooth Wire-Free Bra which fit well with a little bit of room to grow. This time it really feels like the right size and shape for where I’m at. And especially with the bralette I like the comforting feel of the gentle pressure around my chest.

I still don’t have many options for shopping in stores with a large band size and small cup but at least I know what to look for online now. And I’m still growing of course so eventually I should properly fit those B cup bras. I’m at the 4 month mark after HRT now and while the growth has slowed down, they are still tender which means they are still growing. Hopefully I’ll have another growth spurt soon and my right side will catch up with the left.

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PMS sucks – HRT week 10

I know this isn’t news to anyone who’s had an estrogen-dominant system but PMS really sucks. Apparently I’ve already settled into a monthly cycle because I am SO grumpy today and ready to burst into tears over little things. When I look back at my messages this happened almost exactly a month ago. And surprise surprise, it matches my spouses cycle. Also my boobs hurt way more than usual. Maybe the bra shopping trip I was planning for tonight will have to wait…

Breasts are cool – HRT week 9

Last night I was admiring how different my breasts feel now. Before I took estrogen I did have some fairly visible breasts due to my weight and low testosterone levels but they were just pockets of fat with pectoral muscles deep below. Now there is definitely tissue underneath and they feel totally different. My spouse described them last night as “somehow soft yet firm” because underneath the initial layer of squish they have a layer that is clearly not muscle but also not fat. I think my nipples are already bigger than hers too but she disagrees.

One of the funniest parts is watching how they grow unevenly. The pattern seems to be that my left breast will grow one week and then my right will catch up. Sometimes they are the same size but right now the left is significantly bigger. Currently they are pretty tender and painful with pressure but don’t actively hurt. We just redid my measurements last night so I guess it’s time to start trying out some bras.

Last week I increased my dose of estrogen to 6 mg a day which seems to really be helping my mood. I no longer appear to have the radical mood swings. At first I was taking 4 in the morning and 2 at night but I was seeing a dip in mood and energy in the early afternoon. I spoke to my doc and she recommended spacing it out evenly which seems to be solving the problem. Apparently my body likes estrogen, just not low levels of both hormones.