The first 30 hours after surgery the pain was pretty manageable. The entire area was numb thanks to good meds and ice.
Now I can feel the muscles and nerves waking up and I’m very aware of the packing and catheter. Just got more pain meds so hopefully it will calm down.
I have always known that with my build and voice I will never “pass” as a cis woman. And I had to come to terms with that before I could begin my transition because it held me back from coming out for years.
But with my physical transition I think most people now read me as a trans woman which is really all I need. No one needs to think I’m a cisgender woman for me to be a full woman. I know that I am and that’s the most important thing.
Having this vagina now gives me an added bonus to my inner strength. No one else except people I choose to get naked around needs to know what parts I have. But now I feel like my sex aligns with what it should have been at birth and knowing that means I can stand up to transphobes without fear because I’m more of a woman than anyone they’ve probably met. I intentionally went through the work to align myself to womanhood and that means so much more than just accepting the cards life dealt you.
I’m now the proud owner of a brand spanking new neovagina!
I arrived at the hospital this morning at 6 am and went in for my 4 hour surgery at 7:30. Took me a long time to fully wake up but all the nurses here are great and I haven’t been misgendered once.
The doctor sent me a photo of it right after surgery and it looked surprisingly good for fresh wounds. Of course now comes the swelling and healing part. I have packing inside, a catheter on my bladder, and a bolster literally sewn over my groin. I can’t feel much with all the drugs I’m on but the bolster is definitely annoying.
I just went for my first, very short, walk. I have to waddle in order to move and it’s very hard to get up. But the TV here has on demand movies and I’m in a corner room all by myself with a great view.
Visitors are only allowed for 1 hour so my wife/caregiver is back at our Airbnb. For now I’ll wait out the worst of the swelling with ice on my groin and movies while the wind whistles past my room and the fog rolls in.
After over a year of intentional planning, tomorrow is my gender confirmation surgery! I’m oddly calm today. Though that may change once I start my fun bowel prep diet this afternoon.
I can’t believe it’s almost here!
My partner pointed out last night that my face shape has changed a LOT in the last 6 months. It changed a bit right after hormones but I guess hitting the 2 year mark did something magical. I’m sure the weight I’ve been putting on helped round out the edges as well.
It’s really nice to look at photos and start to see more of my mom than my dad.
The closer I get to surgery, the more little things about my current parts annoy me. Like the way my balls stick to the side of my leg and how I have to aim to pee.
I seriously can’t wait to just sit to pee hands free. I don’t care that it will require maintenance like dilation and douching. I will gladly do that to have the parts I want.
3 days left…
After a 2 day drive down the coast, I’m now settled in my Airbnb and just finished my pre-op appointment.
My anxiety is mostly gone now that there are fewer things to go wrong and I couldn’t be more excited to finally be here! The doctor and all the staff at the clinic are wonderful and friendly. Though they did give me the predictable fatphobic lecture about my BMI being slightly over the “recommended weight.”
I have my COVID test tomorrow and then it’s smooth sailing until my bowel prep starts the night before surgery. Monday morning I’ll show up bright and early and go under for the 4-5 hour procedure.
We chose to drive down since airports felt too risky. The drive down the 101 coastal highway was beautiful but long. And we couldn’t stop much because everywhere we went there were hundreds of white tourists without masks.
I’m glad to see that the most Asian neighborhood we are staying in is much more compliant with mask laws. It makes me feel safer walking around though I suspect the tourist areas here are going to be bad too.
We’re trying to find things we can do while we’re here since everything is understandably closed. I guess we’ll go wander around some parks and eat lots of amazing takeout.
Thank you again to everyone who donated to make this happen! I’ve gotten some unexpectedly large gifts this week which make me feel so loved and supported.
As I’ve said before, it takes a village to make a vagina!
I’ve been off my estrogen pills for over a week now per doctors instructions for surgery. The hot flashes started a few days ago and yesterday they were happening almost all day. That coincided with a heat wave in Seattle and a lot of physical labor loading the car for the drive down which made for a very sweaty, unpleasant day.
Hormone withdrawal is no joke!
Today I officially “come out” publicly as a writer. I am finally rebranding my blog to reflect what this is actually all about – Finding Haven.
My name is Haven.
That may seem like a simple statement but it took me a long time and a winding path to get there.
I grew up in a Fundamentalist cult and a community that had very rigid views of binary, pre-determined gender and sexuality. I didn’t know any out gay people growing up and I didn’t even hear the word Transgender until I was in college. When I first came to my Christian university, I was still very much a model of the rigid beliefs that had been hammered into me over time. I was very conservative and the first time the LGBTQ group on campus approached me with a petition, I balked at it and turned them away (politely).
Shockingly, it was my theology classes the next year that helped me change my views. I had a series of excellent teachers who slowly helped me break down and analyze my beliefs non-judgmentally and without a pre-determined outcome. They gave me the space to eventually realize that I wasn’t practicing something I believed but rather parroting what I had been taught. So I opened my mind a bit and started trying to figure out what I actually wanted to believe.
It was during that time that I first saw an event advertised on campus for a panel of pastors talking about homosexuality in the church. I decided to push my boundaries and attend, hiding in the back row of a large classroom. What I saw for the first time there was passionate Christians talking about how queerness and faith didn’t have to be opposed but rather could be accepted and loved. I was intrigued and decided to start paying more attention to the LGBTQ group on campus.
The next event I attended was a Transgender Panel. It was my first time even hearing of the word and it definitely pushed my comfort boundaries. But seeing out and proud trans people for the first time was eye opening. I came away from that event resolved to learn more about the LGBTQ community and become an “ally.”
I still didn’t realize that I was trans at that point because I thought that to do that you had to look a certain way, be very feminine (binary), and “pass” as a cisgender woman. I knew that I would never be able to pass so I continued to ignore my latent gender feelings.
The LGBTQ discussion group that I began attending was called SPU Haven.
Over the next couple years I became a loyal member and began calling myself a “gender non-conforming ally.” I eventually moved into leadership of the group and that’s when the shit hit the fan.
You see, homosexuality at our conservative university was considered to be in violation of the “Lifestyle Expectations Clause” that they made all incoming staff and students sign. What “homosexual behavior” actually meant, no one knew. But it did mean that our group found itself the center of controversy.
The university Administration decided at one point that we were pushing the boundaries too much and told us that they were disbanding the group. That we “no longer existed” and couldn’t meet on campus. Well of course being the baby activists we were, we kept meeting but this time in a open space instead of a reserved room. It harmed our ability to actually be a safe space but it got their attention.
Word of this ban eventually reached the local news sources, then other news sources across the country, and finally a group of alumni who organized a letter writing campaign. It was an intense 6 weeks where I found myself on the cover of the school newspaper every week. But eventually we scared the Administration enough that they privately apologized and gave us back our meeting space. A few years later, the group became an officially funded club.
My activism history was shaped by that experience of having to fight for my space. It took me a long time for my work to become truly intersectional, but that group planted a seed and was incredibly important to who I became.
So when I was looking at choosing a new name for myself to reflect my feminine and genderqueer reality, I chose Haven. It means sanctuary, safe space, and respite. Which is what I strive to continue becoming.
My long-awaited surgery is next Monday and I couldn’t be more excited! I’ve spent so much time and energy preparing and yet it still doesn’t feel real and probably won’t until my pre-op appointment.
I got a call from a San Francisco area code today and definitely freaked out when I saw the caller ID. I am so scared that something will happen, especially during a pandemic, to push it off. But luckily it was just the confirmation call for my appointment.
The car is all packed and tomorrow we leave bright and early to do a fun roadtrip down the 101 coastal highway with my spouse and her other partner who lives with us. He’s never been to the Redwoods so I’m excited for him to experience that for the first time.
I’ll keep posting here at on Twitter with updates about surgery.
Finding Haven 